we both love dogs
and beer
God, if you were here today
were you here
you would've loved today
i don't care what they say about
hell
i don't care what they believe
i know you're not there
i know you would've loved today
it's such a shame
you should've loved
today
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
if--listen: there's a hell
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants
to get out
but i pour whiskey on him; each man's death
diminishes me. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
his lips are pale and still; My father does not feel my arm,
he has no pulse or will
I have not winced nor cried aloud -
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
- My head is bloody, but unbowed
of things unknown but longed for still
May the road rise up to meet you; I am not
there, I do not sleep
I do not sleep I do not sleep
I do not sleep...i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
rage against the dying
of the light: Life means all that it ever meant.
it is the same as it ever was;
there is absolute and unbroken
continuity - and oh, my friends
it gives a lovely light!
it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but i don't
weep, do
you?
to get out
but i pour whiskey on him; each man's death
diminishes me. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
his lips are pale and still; My father does not feel my arm,
he has no pulse or will
I have not winced nor cried aloud -
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
- My head is bloody, but unbowed
of things unknown but longed for still
May the road rise up to meet you; I am not
there, I do not sleep
I do not sleep I do not sleep
I do not sleep...i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
rage against the dying
of the light: Life means all that it ever meant.
it is the same as it ever was;
there is absolute and unbroken
continuity - and oh, my friends
it gives a lovely light!
it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but i don't
weep, do
you?
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
after the choir concert
Today I was in the car when my little sister called her friend to talk about the boy she likes.
"No I can't tell you, my sister is in the car -- actually, I don't care! Guess what he said!!!"
It was funny because she was giddy and silly; I laughed because I'm 23 now, not 13, and I am so very mature. Then I realized that I act the same when I like a young man. Then I remembered how bad I am at hitting on men and how I go from being a normal, somewhat interesting human to being an entirely awkward human.
And then there was shame.
"No I can't tell you, my sister is in the car -- actually, I don't care! Guess what he said!!!"
It was funny because she was giddy and silly; I laughed because I'm 23 now, not 13, and I am so very mature. Then I realized that I act the same when I like a young man. Then I remembered how bad I am at hitting on men and how I go from being a normal, somewhat interesting human to being an entirely awkward human.
And then there was shame.
Friday, February 17, 2012
quotes from Aleph by Paulo Coelho
This book was a trip. Some quotes:
- "We all pour our love into our work. In my case, obviously, reading is very important, but anyone who puts all his faith in academic tomes and creative-writing courses is missing the point: words are life set down on paper. So seek out the company of others."
- "Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there’s no point in trying to recover what has been; it’s best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new. In theory, every loss is for our own good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this?"
- "We human beings have enormous difficulty in focusing on the present; we’re always thinking about what we did, about how we could have done it better, about the consequences of our actions, and about why we didn’t act as we should have. Or else we think about the future, about what we’re going to do tomorrow, what precautions we should take, what dangers await us around the next corner, how to avoid what we don’t want and how to get what we have always dreamed of."
- "However, there’s no need to anticipate my particular hell and keep going over and over the fact that I can make no further progress in what I understand to be my 'Spiritual Quest.' It’s enough that I keep trying. Even those who didn’t do all they could have done have already been forgiven; they had their punishment while they were alive by being unhappy when they could have been living in peace and harmony. We are all redeemed and free to follow the path that has no beginning and will have no end."
- "Is that what I’m looking for? A life without challenges? But where is the pleasure in looking for God outside of people?"
- "Be blessed. And just as you are transforming your own life, may you transform the lives of those around you. When they ask, do not forget to give. When they knock at your door, be sure to open it. When they lose something and come to you, do whatever you can to help them find what they have lost. First, though, ask; knock at the door and find out what is missing from your life. A hunter always knows what to expect—eat or be eaten."
- "Only two things can reveal life’s great secrets: suffering and love."
Paulo's blog.
- "We all pour our love into our work. In my case, obviously, reading is very important, but anyone who puts all his faith in academic tomes and creative-writing courses is missing the point: words are life set down on paper. So seek out the company of others."
- "Tragedy always brings about radical change in our lives, a change that is associated with the same principle: loss. When faced by any loss, there’s no point in trying to recover what has been; it’s best to take advantage of the large space that opens up before us and fill it with something new. In theory, every loss is for our own good; in practice, though, that is when we question the existence of God and ask ourselves: What did I do to deserve this?"
- "We human beings have enormous difficulty in focusing on the present; we’re always thinking about what we did, about how we could have done it better, about the consequences of our actions, and about why we didn’t act as we should have. Or else we think about the future, about what we’re going to do tomorrow, what precautions we should take, what dangers await us around the next corner, how to avoid what we don’t want and how to get what we have always dreamed of."
- "However, there’s no need to anticipate my particular hell and keep going over and over the fact that I can make no further progress in what I understand to be my 'Spiritual Quest.' It’s enough that I keep trying. Even those who didn’t do all they could have done have already been forgiven; they had their punishment while they were alive by being unhappy when they could have been living in peace and harmony. We are all redeemed and free to follow the path that has no beginning and will have no end."
- "Is that what I’m looking for? A life without challenges? But where is the pleasure in looking for God outside of people?"
- "Be blessed. And just as you are transforming your own life, may you transform the lives of those around you. When they ask, do not forget to give. When they knock at your door, be sure to open it. When they lose something and come to you, do whatever you can to help them find what they have lost. First, though, ask; knock at the door and find out what is missing from your life. A hunter always knows what to expect—eat or be eaten."
- "Only two things can reveal life’s great secrets: suffering and love."
Paulo's blog.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
my worst date ever
There are lots of people whining about how horrible it is to be alone on Valentine's day; I really want to say, "It's not that much worse than being alone the other 364 days of the year!" Though I think that's more depressing than anything, so I'll bite my tongue and let them mourn the big day of being alone.
I can honestly say I don't have much of that self pity going on this year, I prefer to spread it out over all of the days while reminding my friends that I am the faithful ninth wheel to their four-couple joy.
All kinds of horrible crap has happened already in this new year of 2012, and though things can always get worse, they can also always get better. So for Valentine's day, I'll share the story of my worst date ever.
The worst one so far, not to tempt fate. I've been on bad dates -- a double where my best friend Jenna got in an ugly shouting match with my date and everyone had to go home; the time my date announced he needed to "find a bathroom and take a shit" before we went anywhere; another double date when Jenna fell in love with her current boyfriend and I was with "the friend" who barely spoke to me and later told everyone he slept with me. Nothing tragic, just things you can't tell your mother when she asks, "How was your night!!"
I don't "get around," but by the time I met Scott, I thought I wasn't so naive to be charmed by witty comments, a handsome face, southern drawl and use of words like "reckon" and "folks."
Scott was persistent and asked me out every night, and every time I told him (honestly) that I already had plans. One night I told him he was welcome to join me and my friends for pool; to my surprise, he did join, and even more surprisingly, he was genuinely nice and got along with everyone.
On our first "real" date, Scott asked me how old I was. I knew that he was older than me, but I wasn't sure by how much.
"I'm 33," he said.
"Okay, so only a decade older than I am."
"I mean, do you still think this has a chance?"
"I don't know, you are extremely old."
He laughed.
"But I'm obviously very mature for my age." Isn't my sarcasm just the best for awkward situations? (Okay, no. That was actually sarcasm again).
"Ya, we'll see where it goes," he said.
Fast forward through three hours of the nice stuff that is boring to hear; we talked about our families, his life growing up in the bible belt, my life growing up first-generation Polish, thoughts on religion, dreams/aspirations/ponies, all kinds of stuff. It was a good date, as far as first dates go.
My mom's voice sometimes pops into my head, this time reminding me that he was much older and more experienced and potentially better at the "game." In my mothers words: "Ohh ho ho, thirty three! Oh, 33 years knows what he is doing!" In my mind, and the non-Polish, non-old country translation: manipulation.
I needed to quiet that voice so I turned the conversation back to his age.
"So you're 33. If I were 33, I would've been married by now." This is the sort of logical gymnastics you won't learn in school, by the way. "Have you...ever been married?"
Leave it to me to ask such a stupid question, but it was the only way to get my stupid answer:
"Uh, actually, well, I've been meaning to tell you -- I knew I should've told you before, I kept thinking, I should tell her, I should tell her -- I'm actually married. I'm married."
I think I just stared at him, because he kept talking and apologizing for about fifteen minutes. Not separated, not divorced. Just married. I imagined him at the altar kissing his bride in front of their families and friends. I felt sick. Was he trying to make me the "other woman?" Is that how these things happen? A guy dates you for a while and then he says, "Hey surprise! I've been married for seven years! Let's make a lifetime movie!"
"Uh, just to get this straight, you were...romantically pursuing me, right?"
"I know it was wrong, I know, I just really liked you and I didn't know what to do. But yes."
"Okay, just to be clear, that is over now."
"Yes, got it." He slumped down on his bar stool. He was all sweaty and ashamed; the ridiculous margaritas we'd ordered seemed even more stupid.
"You hate me. Please say something."
He kept repeating how sorry he was and "I just really liked you and I didn't know what to do." It didn't make sense to me.
"Uh...I don't hate you. I'm not angry -- I think, I think I'm sad. I'm sad for myself and I feel bad for you. What's wrong with your marriage that you ended up here with me?"
So began the second half of our date, the impromptu marriage counseling/life coach portion of the night. That went on for a bit before I decided it was time for me to leave; he kept asking if we could "still be friends."
"Just to talk, maybe hang out, or the occasional email. I really want to just want someone to talk to."
I told him I couldn't do that and left. I went into my apartment, tried to wake up my roommate, cried, pet my dog, and went to sleep.
The next day he sent me a text apologizing, stating that he wanted to explain himself in an email. I didn't answer him for a few days, but finally decided I was curious; what made him do something like that, does he need help?
The email was weird. He made it seem like I was some seductress who lured him with all my charms (we never even went as far as holding hands, so cool your imagination), that I was so very special and he needed my friendship, even for the occasional email or witty banter.
The flattery was a red flag (and the hidden marriage was a road flare). I told him that the only people who think I am so stupendously amazing are my parents, their genuine belief a source of motivational guilt, and my snow-eating dog. Whatever he'd imagined about me wasn't true, and to drive this point home, I went into detail about the disgusting fungus that festered on my arm for the past 9 months after a bite from my mom's parrot, and how very un-glamourous it all was.
I told him, again, that we could not be friends and that his desperate pleas for friendship did not indicate that something was special about me, but that something was missing in his life. I gently told him that something must be wrong if he ended up on a date with me, and I suggested he seek counseling and set about changing the parts of his life that seemed to make him unhappy (his job, traveling for work, being away from his family etc, all things he'd told me on our "date").
His response was a long defense of everything in his life being quite perfect, thank you very much, but can we still be friends?
I was exasperated. I told him no, goodbye and good luck.
I felt so struck by him, and so sad. It may be related to the deaths in my life recently -- I think I'm now a pile of mush, flipped upside down -- but people give you all this advice about "scary people." What about the broken ones?
So yes, for Valentine's day, maybe you should give someone a hug instead of chalky candy. I don't know. And realize that whoever hurt you was most definitely damaged themselves.
I can honestly say I don't have much of that self pity going on this year, I prefer to spread it out over all of the days while reminding my friends that I am the faithful ninth wheel to their four-couple joy.
 |
| This was on the front page of Reddit today...seems appropriate |
All kinds of horrible crap has happened already in this new year of 2012, and though things can always get worse, they can also always get better. So for Valentine's day, I'll share the story of my worst date ever.
The worst one so far, not to tempt fate. I've been on bad dates -- a double where my best friend Jenna got in an ugly shouting match with my date and everyone had to go home; the time my date announced he needed to "find a bathroom and take a shit" before we went anywhere; another double date when Jenna fell in love with her current boyfriend and I was with "the friend" who barely spoke to me and later told everyone he slept with me. Nothing tragic, just things you can't tell your mother when she asks, "How was your night!!"
I don't "get around," but by the time I met Scott, I thought I wasn't so naive to be charmed by witty comments, a handsome face, southern drawl and use of words like "reckon" and "folks."
Scott was persistent and asked me out every night, and every time I told him (honestly) that I already had plans. One night I told him he was welcome to join me and my friends for pool; to my surprise, he did join, and even more surprisingly, he was genuinely nice and got along with everyone.
On our first "real" date, Scott asked me how old I was. I knew that he was older than me, but I wasn't sure by how much.
"I'm 33," he said.
"Okay, so only a decade older than I am."
"I mean, do you still think this has a chance?"
"I don't know, you are extremely old."
He laughed.
"But I'm obviously very mature for my age." Isn't my sarcasm just the best for awkward situations? (Okay, no. That was actually sarcasm again).
"Ya, we'll see where it goes," he said.
Fast forward through three hours of the nice stuff that is boring to hear; we talked about our families, his life growing up in the bible belt, my life growing up first-generation Polish, thoughts on religion, dreams/aspirations/ponies, all kinds of stuff. It was a good date, as far as first dates go.
My mom's voice sometimes pops into my head, this time reminding me that he was much older and more experienced and potentially better at the "game." In my mothers words: "Ohh ho ho, thirty three! Oh, 33 years knows what he is doing!" In my mind, and the non-Polish, non-old country translation: manipulation.
I needed to quiet that voice so I turned the conversation back to his age.
"So you're 33. If I were 33, I would've been married by now." This is the sort of logical gymnastics you won't learn in school, by the way. "Have you...ever been married?"
Leave it to me to ask such a stupid question, but it was the only way to get my stupid answer:
"Uh, actually, well, I've been meaning to tell you -- I knew I should've told you before, I kept thinking, I should tell her, I should tell her -- I'm actually married. I'm married."
I think I just stared at him, because he kept talking and apologizing for about fifteen minutes. Not separated, not divorced. Just married. I imagined him at the altar kissing his bride in front of their families and friends. I felt sick. Was he trying to make me the "other woman?" Is that how these things happen? A guy dates you for a while and then he says, "Hey surprise! I've been married for seven years! Let's make a lifetime movie!"
"Uh, just to get this straight, you were...romantically pursuing me, right?"
"I know it was wrong, I know, I just really liked you and I didn't know what to do. But yes."
"Okay, just to be clear, that is over now."
"Yes, got it." He slumped down on his bar stool. He was all sweaty and ashamed; the ridiculous margaritas we'd ordered seemed even more stupid.
"You hate me. Please say something."
He kept repeating how sorry he was and "I just really liked you and I didn't know what to do." It didn't make sense to me.
"Uh...I don't hate you. I'm not angry -- I think, I think I'm sad. I'm sad for myself and I feel bad for you. What's wrong with your marriage that you ended up here with me?"
So began the second half of our date, the impromptu marriage counseling/life coach portion of the night. That went on for a bit before I decided it was time for me to leave; he kept asking if we could "still be friends."
"Just to talk, maybe hang out, or the occasional email. I really want to just want someone to talk to."
I told him I couldn't do that and left. I went into my apartment, tried to wake up my roommate, cried, pet my dog, and went to sleep.
The next day he sent me a text apologizing, stating that he wanted to explain himself in an email. I didn't answer him for a few days, but finally decided I was curious; what made him do something like that, does he need help?
The email was weird. He made it seem like I was some seductress who lured him with all my charms (we never even went as far as holding hands, so cool your imagination), that I was so very special and he needed my friendship, even for the occasional email or witty banter.
The flattery was a red flag (and the hidden marriage was a road flare). I told him that the only people who think I am so stupendously amazing are my parents, their genuine belief a source of motivational guilt, and my snow-eating dog. Whatever he'd imagined about me wasn't true, and to drive this point home, I went into detail about the disgusting fungus that festered on my arm for the past 9 months after a bite from my mom's parrot, and how very un-glamourous it all was.
I told him, again, that we could not be friends and that his desperate pleas for friendship did not indicate that something was special about me, but that something was missing in his life. I gently told him that something must be wrong if he ended up on a date with me, and I suggested he seek counseling and set about changing the parts of his life that seemed to make him unhappy (his job, traveling for work, being away from his family etc, all things he'd told me on our "date").
His response was a long defense of everything in his life being quite perfect, thank you very much, but can we still be friends?
I was exasperated. I told him no, goodbye and good luck.
I felt so struck by him, and so sad. It may be related to the deaths in my life recently -- I think I'm now a pile of mush, flipped upside down -- but people give you all this advice about "scary people." What about the broken ones?
So yes, for Valentine's day, maybe you should give someone a hug instead of chalky candy. I don't know. And realize that whoever hurt you was most definitely damaged themselves.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
and my Babcia passed away...
"I said, 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest--' "
Psalm 55:6
Psalm 55:6
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